Quotes.

House Guarded By Shotgun 3 Days A Week. Guess Which Days.

Actual Headline: Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead

Everyone is entitled to be stupid, but some abuse the privilege.

Sarcasm helps keep you from telling people what you really think of them.

When I die, I want to go peacefully like my Grandfather did, in his sleep -- not screaming, like the passengers in his car.

I don't suffer from insanity. I enjoy every minute of it.

You can't be late until you show up.

I intend to live forever, or die trying.

Well if I'm a nobody, and nobody's perfect, then I must be perfect.

A train station is where the train stops. A bus station is where the bus stops. On my desk, I have a work station...

Knowledge is realizing that the street is one-way, wisdom is looking both directions anyway

If you cannot convince them, confuse them.

To ensure perfect aim, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target

I am not a vegetarian because I love animals; I am a vegetarian because I hate plants.

Actual Headline: Enraged Cow Injures Farmer With Ax

Everyone is entitled to their own opinion. It's just that yours is stupid.

Few women admit their age. Few men act theirs.

Actual Headline: Man Struck By Lightning Faces Battery Charge

Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

Never interrupt your opponent while he's making a mistake.